Monday, November 23, 2009

Vintage Sexism, La La La

Ok, folks! It's time for another round of subvert the meaning, fuck all those assholes who think only men want hangers made of *very* shapely legs of flesh-coloured plastic *excalmation point,* OMG.

Seriously, though, I want 20 of these.

Also, on my holiday shopping list...

As remarked by Dodai on, "The erotica phone is the "ultimate conversation piece," get it? Put the hole close to your mouth to begin. Are you at all surprised that the price is $69.95?"

Well put, ladies. Well put.

If it Ain't Steamy, It ain't Sexy

Ok, folks, here it is: as promised, two more work related vids in honour of our upcoming issue. And, I must say, after a very limited amount of research, I am completely convinced of America's fetishization of blue collar work-particularly that of welders and steel factory workers.

Think what you will about this trend, according to the evidence, there's something downright naughty about people sweating and panting and working with their hands.

First up we have the iconic video for "Maniac," one of the main theme songs of everyone's favourite stripper with a heart of gold movie, Flashdance. Welder by day, sexy dancer by night, Alex Owen's lifelong dream is to become a professional dancer, and I'm pretty sure everyone else's lifelong wet dream is to get closer to those maniac thighs so prominently displayed in the video.

Next up, we have, of course, Madonna. Never one to let a ripply man waste away on the sidelines of life when he could be her lover/top/1920s, Metropolis-industrialization fantasy, she takes this video's sad, sexy steel worker and turns him into the Jesus Luz of the late 80s.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Work It-The Lickety Blog Challenge!

In honour of Lickety Split's freshly released call for submissions--and in anticipation of receiving all of your naughtiest work related musings--over the next month and a half I'm going to be posting as many work related music videos as I possibly can.

It's gonna be tough folks. I'm probably gonna sweat and it might get a little grimy. My partner will complain that I need to stop watching youtube and take a shower but, deep down, I know the sweet sweet satisfaction of a job well done will keep me going. Wanna help a girl out? Holla any suggestions to!

To kick things off, let's recite the immortal words of Missy Elliot:

Girl, girl, get that cash
If it's 9 to 5 or shakin' yo ass
Ain't no shame, ladies do your thang
Just make sure you ahead of the game

Bonus: Ciara's Work, featuring Missy Elliot.

Gettin' down at the construction site, checkin' out the hot ladies in their hard hats, oh yeah.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Lickety Split #8-The Work Issue! Call for Submissions

Bust out your smutty toolbox and dust off those dirty, kinky boots, because We Want YOU! to submit to Lickety Split #8-The Work Issue!

Here at Lickety Split, we work hard, and we play even harder. Day and night, and 'round the clock, we get on our hands and knees through labour pains and stock market gains to deliver the best darn jobs we can.

Hey, baby, we know you work out, that you're working it out. We see you drilling those holes, grinding those axes and hitting the streets in your power suits. We hear you toiling away in your dungeons, hammering and nailing and sweating and serving. We know, you know, you're worth it when you're $elling your wares and jacking your price$$$.

Ca$h or plastic, for free or for a fee, let's get physical-we wanna see you work it!

Lickety Split urges you to submit your proposals for:
Kinky and crafty limited edition artist objects (e.g. trading cards, buttons, etc)

As well as our standing invitation for:
Models and photographers and guest layout artists
Essays, interviews & reviews
Short stories
Comics, drawings, and other sexy 2D art!

Submission Guidelines

Before you let loose with a huge torrent of porn and sex related ideas, please acquaint yourself with our photo guidelines and criteria.

Written work can be no shorter than 300 words but no more than 1500; please include a pitch and cover letter with your submission.

Models and photographers:
Please consult our full photo guidelines and technical requirements before you submit our idea! Photos must be 300dpi or higher and submitted in either a JPEG or TIFF format.

Please send submissions to

Deadline: March 1st, 2010

Lickety Split smut zine xxx: Photo Submission Guidelines and Criteria

Photo Policy

1. Lickety Split will not print photos of people under the age of eighteen for legal reasons.

2. All those who are to be photographed must consent to being photographed by signing the Lickety Split release form.

3. All photos taken by and for Lickety Split smut zine must have been taken in a collaborative fashion, with the model(s), photographer and editor agreeing to take part in the shoot, as well as agreeing on how the photos should be taken, where, and with whom. All parties must feel safe and happy with the process, those modeling especially. The photo shoots should be many things; liberating, cathartic, sexy. They should definitely not be unsafe or not fun for any of those involved.

4. All photo story ideas must be pitched to the editor before any photos are taken. There are two important reasons for this: first we need to make sure that the shoot jives with our issue thematic/policies/needs/style. Secondly, responsibility is key: we need to know how the photos are taken and by which totally consenting (nay, enthusiastic!) parties.

Photo Submission Guidelines

Please read all of the following regardless of your role in the photo story.

Before you pick up a camera or step in front of one, place one hand over your heart and the other on your crotch/cootch/cock and think on the words of one who may know:

“If you don’t like what you see out your window, the most subversive thing you can do is make your own vision. If criticizing sex is so important, then where are our role models? Who do you think is going to make erotic expression meaningful to you if not yourself?”

- Susie Bright, Full Exposure

Erase the division between model and photographer. Collaboration is sexy. Share the images that you like, engage in an idea exchange. You may find yourselves confronted by each other’s preconceptions of what is sexy and what is okay to photograph- be open and firm about your limits and expectations.

If you are a photographer

First off, get familiar with past issues of Lickety Split, as well as the photo policy. This should give you an idea of what we like and what we’d like to develop on. You can then submit a photo story idea and/or submit some of your other work so that we can get a feel for your style. We encourage “amateurs” and “professionals” alike to pick up a camera and make something sexy.

Definitely do not submit photos of someone who is underage (even if they are of yourself), was unknowingly photographed, or is feeling iffy. It doesn’t matter how beautiful or hot or whatever the photos are- they are not acceptable and are counter to the attitude of Lickety Split.

If you are modeling

Consider the ways in which taking pornographic photos is a sexual practice. Make it safe, whether physical sex is involved as well as that boundaries are super-important. Break it down, make it simple: how much flesh would you like to show, state what activities you will or will not do, and at what pace. Agree upon a space that makes you feel inspired as well as safe. Consider having a friend or your partner present in order to ensure your own comfort and safety. All this goes for photographers as well as models.

The shoot doesn’t end when the roll is finished. Talk about the shoot and what did and didn’t work. All the parties involved, especially by those who appear in the photos, as it is their image to be printed, should then review the photos. The selection, or selection process, should be based upon the agreement/understanding originally established between the parties. This respects the commitment of making the photos in the first place, as well as cements each person’s ownership of the images. Then all parties involved should party.

If you want to model or submit self-portraits

Yay for you! Sexy photos are as brave as they are hot. We encourage people of all sizes, shapes and colours to appear in Lickety Split. Lickety Split is a pansexual, inclusive magazine and endeavours to provide space for those wanting to represent their own truths and desires.

Get in contact with Lickety Split so that we can share ideas and organize a shoot. Do read the photo policy. You will have to sign a release form that proves your consent to have your photos taken and published.

Also: become your own subject; consider the wonders of self-portraiture. It’s like writing in your diary or dancing about in front of your mirror alone to sexy music.

On inspiration:

Play with yourself! Play with your friends! Cut out pictures you like from magazines, earmark photos on-line that give you tingles, try on your Halloween costume or your partner’s undies, get all bendy in front of a mirror, put on red, red lipstick, put on Peaches, spend an afternoon in only high heels or knee socks or your jock strap (especially kinky during the woolen Canadian winter). Get really into storytelling and plan out an elaborate narrative for your photos, like, The Great Clothing Heist of 1946 featuring The Elusive Panty Sniffer. Have fun!

Lurve Notes + Smut on the Dance Floor!

Dearest Lickety Loverrrs,

As you may have already heard, this is an exhilarating time for everyone's little-smut-zine-that-could! Lickety Split has been opening wide over the past few months to accommodate some new steady partners, as well as a couple of friends with benefits, and that's only the beginning of the sexy escapades to cum!

The love and sexy bum pats that Lickety Split receives from it's readers, fans and contributors is overwhelming, and we'd like to return that love by ensuring the zine will be around to dampen your undies and tent your pants for years to come!!!

What most people might be surprised to learn, is that up to this point, Lickety Split has been essentially non-profit. While we're certainly not in the smut zine racket to make the big bucks, as a publication that has been primarily self-published (read: credit cards) our sustainability is being threatened at the same time that our content and printing process has improved.

Under the inspired purvy-ness of Mz. Amber Goodwyn, Mz. Kathleen KR and their sticky handful of naughty volunteers, Montreal's premiere smut zine has grown from a black and white xerox affair with a small print run, to to a colourful and sexy slice with a 1000 copy print run and an international readership!

Not wanting to compromise the quality smut you've come to expect from Lickety Split, we're turning to you--our readership, fans and volunteers--to donate, help us fundraise and promote awareness about the precious but essential commodity that is sex positive expression and thought.

As we near the March release of Lickety Split #8: The Work Issue, we invite you to join us at our primary fundraising event, Smut on the Dance Floor! The Heavy Petting/Dirty Dancing edition! All proceeds from this event go directly toward printing the next issue.

Sarah Beall
Curator and Project Manager, Lickety Split smut zine

For information, or to make a donation, please email:

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Holy Tornado Tongue, Batman!

Special thanks to The Green Nebbish for alerting me to this strange, slobbery video for Depeche Mode's, A Hole to Feed. What starts out as a creepy tribute to 90s rave fashion and glitter make-up, turns into a full on mustard lick-a-thon faster than you can say hold the onions.

P.S. That girl with the braces? Hot.

Beyonce's Kinks

Ok, everyone needs to watch this. There is so much in this video I think I could write a paper on it, but I think that might be excessive. This video is hot, so hot in fact that it was pretty much the only reason why I got up this morning. I have literally been skeet skeet-ing on my laptizzle for the last 24 hours. I suggest keeping a box of tissues near by...

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Heavy Petting/Dirty Dancing Sneak Peek!

Last Sunday, after some marathon expozine tabling, the Lickety crew got together to eat, talk dirty, and make tails and ears for our upcoming Smut on the dance floor: Heavy Petting/Dirty Dancing edition. Luckily, Jacqsploitation was there to capture the moment.

Hot pink and black donkey ears, say what?!

I'm so excited for this event, I can barely contain it!

FB event

Ok, for some reason the full width of the video isn't completely workin' on the blog, so check out Jacqsplotation's awesome youtube page for the super shiny, high def, kick in the pants version and be prepared to develop a serious crush on the filmmaker.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


performance a 23h15:







Expozine 2009, This Weekend!!!!

A & K at Expozine promoting LS #4

Whoo hoo! The time is upon us, folks! Lickety Split lurves zine fairs and especially this one! Join the LS team and hundreds of other DIY publishers and artists for a rad weekend of awesomeness! Yay! So many exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, not to be missed--special limited edition Lickety Split gift packages and a sneak peek at our new call for submissions due out next week. Give your smutty brain a jump start! Whoo hoo!

Oh, hey-remember when we won Best English zine at the Expozine Alternative Press Awards? Good times.

The deets:

Montreal’s annual small press, comic and zine fair, free admission.
OPENING PARTY: Friday, November 13, at Sky Blue Door, 5403B St. Laurent (side door), 7 – 11 p.m., free admission.

This incredible event brings together nearly 300 creators of all kinds of printed matter – from books of all kinds to zines to posters and graphic novels – in both English and French. In the past eight years, Expozine has become one of North America's largest small press fairs, attracting thousands of visitors as well as exhibitors from across Canada, the U.S. and Europe.

And for the first time, this year’s edition will feature a program of readings and discussions each afternoon.

Expozine is made possible in part thanks to the support of the Canada Council for the Arts and the Conseil des Arts de Montréal.

Friday, November 13, 2009 at 7:00pm-
Sunday, November 15, 2009 at 6:00pm (Fair Sat & Sun)
Église Saint-Enfant Jésus
5035 Saint-Dominique
Montreal, QC

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Pump Like Never Before

Um...just when I thought there couldn't be anything more ridiculous than the Kush, the infomercial gods are at it again with the shake weight.

Wouldn't you sell more if you just used the shake weight's real name? Aka, the handjobitron?

Jeezus. Just look at those three dudes' ripply, hairless chests and strained faces. I wonder what they could be thinking.

Actually, this really reminds me of old "gym workout" videos that used to be sold to gay men through the mail in the 1950s.

The Dead Doll Dancers Get on their Knees and Beg Prince Charles to Save Montreal's Red Light!

Nice work, grrrls!

Monday, November 09, 2009

Lickety Split smut zine Presents: Smut on the Dance Floor!!! Heavy Petting/ Dirty Dancing!!!

An animal themed dance party/fundraiser!!

Get in touch with your animal instincts and feel the heat as you bump, grind, scratch and sniff the night away in support of DIY publishing and sex positive smut!

This event will include such delights as:
Dirty Photo Booth
Kissing Booth
Peep Show
Drink Specials
Animal themed pinata filled with naughty contents and collectibles
Pin the tail on the real live donkey
Go-Go Dancing Animals (Say What!)

On the ones and twos we will have the musical stylings of
DJ Ghost Riot
and much more!

First 20 people will get animal ears and/or tails.
Also, it is never too late to volunteer so feel free to contact us if you are interested.

No Fursecution y'all!

Srsly though, go-go dancing animals. Need I say more?

Friday, November 20th
10 pm - 3 am
Woof Bar
1661, Sainte-Catherine E.
Montreal, QC H2L 2J5
$5-$10 sliding scale donation at the door
Cheap Booze!!
2 pints for $7!!!

FB Event:

Since 2004, Lickety Split has been curling the toes of the masses with smutty writing, art and photography--all aimed at encouraging fun and guilt-free sex positive expression and thought.

But, we certainly haven't done it alone.

Ever since the inception of the zine, Lickety Split has relied heavily on its spirited community of pansexual renegades to inspire us, fulfill our fantasies and keep the smutty party going all through the night!

Times they are a changin' and that's why we need your love like never before. Cum join our animal-themed party, shake your booty and give a little donation in celebration of the future of Lickety Split smut zine!

Wednesday, November 04, 2009



Masquerade Party!
Don’t forget, WEAR A MASK!

18+, ID required (we will be looking at the birthdate only, sex marker will be ignored completely).
Price: $10
The party runs from 9pm until 4am. No new guests allowed in after 3.

9:00pm - Doors open
9:00pm – Daddy boy/grrrl Erotic Age Play Workshop with PATRICK CALIFIA
10:30pm – Sexy Performances
MIDNIGHT - cruising, playing, spin the bottle, live porn screening, and dance party

BYOB Bring your own Booze, please exercise moderation.
Snacks will be for sale

Safer sex supplies (gloves, condoms, lube, alcohol pads) will be provided all night.

Active Listeners will be on site all night for people to talk to if they feel triggered/just need to chat.
Monitors will also be on site all night to ensure safe play is happening.

A note on accessibility: The venue is on the 4th floor of an industrial building. There is a step to get into the building that is approximately 5 inches tall. Once inside, there are roughly 50-75 steps with railings on both sides, but the railings are 3 feet apart from each other. Also, there is no elevator. There is a little bump about half an inch high between the bathroom and the main room, and the entrance to the stall is about 20-25 inches wide.

We are currently searching for an accessible venue for our play parties, and would appreciate any leads you might have. Please get in touch if you know of anything!

Girls' "Lust for Life" Video Hardcore XXX Version

You need to see this. It's apparently not even the most hardcore. Yes!

Chuck Me!

October was a pretty crazy month here at Lickety Split, and as we enter November, there's still no sign of slowing down. That being said, about halfway through the month, and a few too many glasses of red wine later-I came up with the concept of Converse porn. I'm sure it all started with Jon's and my favourite game of pretending to be turned on by inanimate objects (don't ask) but, in any case, I was insistent on getting a real close up shot of me licking his shoe.

Have I struck a goldmine? Who knows. At least I'll have a project to work on when Montreal's subzero temperatures hit and I have a wicked case of cabin fever.

Ah, things to look forward to, dear readers.