Wednesday, September 03, 2008

sex guide for good christians

during my shadow-puppet pornography research i came across a somewhat interesting site, outlining surprisingly liberated dogmatic sexual advice for good christians (i.e. no male queers, no butch lesbians, no overly submissive straight men, no chronic masturbaters or public ejaculators etc etc)

i do not condone or promote the use of religion. but if you're already hooked—or like me curious 'bout sexy, sexy brazillian nuns—then here is an abbreviated and annotated overview of sexinchrist's guide for good christian sex.

sexinchrist affirms the good christian's right to engage in anal sex on the argument (heard again and again) that it is satisfying carnal needs while avoiding unwanted pregnancy while MOST IMPORTANTLY (for good christians) still keeping oneself "pure" for marriage.

but don't take my word for it, here's the sexinchrist:
"...Nowhere does the bible forbid anal sex between a male and female... In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women: Lamentations 2:10 describes virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex. Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman’s pride in her “valley” (referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices her lover to ejaculate against her backside... And in the Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind."

sexinchrist LOVES oral sex because it reinforces the christian "value" of subservient women while allowing loversss to "[preserve] their chastity." sweet. ps: the bible encourages oral sex so long as you cum in her mouth (or, if you prefer, so long as the cum winds up in her mouth.) c'mon baby, it's super pious!

a christian threesome is MFF (FMF?), period. even a strickly monitored MFM threesome is too queer for christians to tolerate. though there might not be any "overt homosexual" contact between the two misters, the act of "being together in a sexual situation is nevertheless homoerotic and suggests implied homosexuality,"according to

interestingly (hypocritically?) enough, sexinchrist conjectures that "since the Bible makes little or no mention of women with regard to this subject, and because the Bible, for better or worse, often holds men and women to different standards regarding sex and sexual roles" that lesbianism and female bisexuality are A-ok. go figure.

a christian threesome is not adultery or otherwise sinful, because adultery is between men and married women, explains sexinchrist. to ensure that it is not adultery, there are some rules:
"(1) To avoid the impropriety of male homosexuality, a heterosexual couple should not under any circumstances form a threesome with another man.
(2) Both women involved in the threesome must be willing to keep within traditional female roles (i.e., not taking on masculine appearance or behavior in or out of the bedroom) and recognize the male as the leader in the relationship.
(3) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is unmarried, it may be permissible for the husband to have relations with her only with his wife’s consent.
(4) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is unmarried, but the wife does not wish her to have relations with the other woman, the husband should respect this.
(5) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is married, her husband must not have objections to the relationship.
(6) If the wife’s lesbian sex partner is married, the husband should refrain from having any sexual relations with her, and should make every effort to control his fantasies about her. He should concentrate his attention on his own wife."

fisting is permitted for good christians because the bible has a hang-up on fists, hands and the power of god. therefore, fisting for good christians takes on metaphorical theologic properties, for—according to—as the man "inserts his hand into his wife’s vagina, [he] is symbolically re-enacting the moment of truth following Christ’s resurrection from the tomb, when Doubting Thomas touches the wounds in the Savior’s flesh."

fisting is a two-way street, kinda, and a woman indulging her playmate's "desire to receive light anal play ... and may even anally penetrate her partner with a strap-on dildo if he enjoys this, and if their respective roles as husband and wife are secure outside of the bedroom." sixinchrist reminds good christians that this should be undertaken only if the husband can "still maintain his role as the spiritual heard of the household and the leader in the marriage" after being submissive sexually to his wife.

1. "bondage and discipline are part of the spiritual tradition of Christianity"
2. "BDSM does not necessarily have to involve whips and chains, black leather, or dungeon gear, although if they find these props help them get in the mood, there is not reason why Christians should not use them. There's nothing sinful about these items. In fact, they are part of the Christian heritage."
3. finally, sexinchrist concludes that "A BDSM relationship between a dominant husband and submissive wife is actually the ideal of marriage... taken to its logical conclusion!"

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