Knowing what a big perv I am, my friends often tend to send me all kinds of links to sex related stuff. Not long ago, my loverrr alerted me to the site
Make Love Not Porn.
While the title sounded a little fishy, especially since makin' awesome, consensual, lovin' porn is somethin' I'm kinda into, I was pleasantly surprised to find a straightforward sex-positive site dedicated to debunking the myths about desire and pleasure that are often depicted in mainstream porn.
"Porn World: Women come all the time in positions where nothing is going on anywhere near the clit."
"Real World: There has to be some sort of rhythmic pressure on the clit in just the right way to make a woman come. Can be pubic bone, tongue, fingers, something else entirely. But it has to be there."
"Porn World: All women love anal sex.""Real World: A lot of women aren't into the idea of anal. Some women love it, some women don't. Some guys want to do it, some guys don't fancy the idea much. Guys, ask yourself how you would feel about someone sticking their cock up your butt. That will pretty much reflect broad female attitudes. Great for both of you if you're both into the idea; one of you may not be."Yeah! This was pretty cool--a site that didn't make judgements about what gets people off but instead suggested communication as a way of ensuring the pleasure of everyone. Let's face it. Try as we might, somtimes talkin' about what really turns us on can be difficult and maybe even scary. It doesn't have to be, but Western culture has certainly made efforts to have us feel downright awful about our bodies and our desires.
I mean, how many heterosexual women do you know who fake their orgasms and don't know how to tell their partner? Hopefully few but, seriously now, let's reduce that number to zero.
Recently,
Cindy Gallop, creator of Make Love Not Porn, called me from NYC to answer my questions about her intentions behind the site. Expecting Make Love Not Porn to have been created by a non-profit or maybe a feminist grad student, I was surprised and slightly intimidated to find that Ms. Gallop is an incredibly accomplished advertising exec who does TED talks and in 2003 was named New York's Advertising Woman of the Year.
In a charming British accent, Gallop explained to me that the idea for the site came from her personal experiences sleeping with younger men and the realization that a lot of these guys were getting most of their information about sex from porn. She described her intention that the site serve as sort of a counter point to the kind of unrealistic depictions of desire and pleasure found in mainstream porn, while at the same time heartily admitting her consumption of porn on a regular basis.
Explaining that Make Love Not Porn was designed to inspire and stimulate open discussion amongst people with a wide range of turn-ons rather than to judge folks for their sexual tastes, Gallop mentioned that both women and men have responded positively to the site, with guys also expressing their dissatisfaction with the one-dimensional representations offered to them by most mainstream flicks.
"Porn World: Men Love coming on women's faces, and women love it when men come on their faces.""Real World: Some women like this, some women don't. Some guys like to do this, some guys don't. Entirely up to personal choice."Expressing her desire to encourage an all around discussion about sexuality, especially amongst young people, Gallop was incredibly receptive when I told her of the complete cuts to sex education that have happened here in Quebec.
We finished the interview with Gallop telling me the story of a young man she had spoken with in Japan, who expressed to her his desire that his girlfriend sometimes take more control in bed. When Gallop asked him whether he had ever made this desire known to her, however, his answer was that, no, he had never really thought about talking to her about it.
Far from judging this person's honest response about the level of sexual communication in his relationship, I think it's good to remember, maybe even especially as sexually conscious folks, that not everyone has access to accurate information about sex--from how to be safe to basic anatomy.
If the queen of self-pleasure, Betty Dodson, once faked-it, we can be sure anyone can. But, then, we can also be sure that everyone has the ability to experience true sexual satisfaction through communication, consent and access to sex-positive information.
Whoo, Hoo!
Learning brand new skillz is so awesome.
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